What scares me?

When I told my mom that I had committed to the surgery, she was supportive - she always is, even when she doesn't understand my choices or why something is important to me, like with most of my professional/career choices over the years. She has her concerns, of course - the standard ones, like what life will look like before and after, and making sure I have support not only at home but with my therapist, my dietician, etc. But overall, she's on board.

She asked me a few weeks ago if I was scared - not about any one aspect of the surgery in particular, but just in general about the whole thing. I told her, in absolute complete honesty ... I'm not scared at all.

I've been scared of a lot of things in the past - including this surgery, which is why I have gone through the application and pre-surgery process multiple times. But this time, I have absolutely no nerves, no anxiety, no worries. I think it's because now, there are so many other things I'm worried about - things that would or could happen if I don't go through with the surgery.

I'm scared of not being around for my son as long as possible.

I'm scared of not having as much time with my husband as I want.

I'm scared of not being able to have more children with my husband.

I'm scared of my life being cut short like my dad's was - not just in terms of the quantity of years, but their quality. 

I'm scared of never getting to travel back to France, or never visiting other places I want to go.

I'm scared of not being able to do my job anymore because of my body's physical limitations.

I'm not scared at all of what if. What terrifies me is, what if I don't?


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