There's no wagon to fall off of

I've been off and on with various diets for most of my life, with varying levels of success. The most significant loss was a little over ten years ago, but it's all crept back on since - plus more.

But my dad died earlier this year, and I've had some health concerns lately, and I'm determined to make this time The Last Time. My dad was only 63 - and I'm 35. I've had so much anxiety lately, feeling that time is running out and very worried about leaving behind my young son and my husband, all because of things I could have worked on.

My dad was about my age when he got the initial diagnoses that eventually lead to his death, and so much of what he struggled with in the last few years was preventable - because after hearing the first news from his doctors, he largely ignored it for years. He didn't take the medicine, he didn't eat better, he didn't change how sedentary his life was. And it's been so incredibly painful to see his decline, and to hear him reiterate his choice to do so all along the way - it's about quality of life, not quantity. 

He ended up with neither.

The thought of my son hurting the way I have hurt so much in the last years, months, weeks ... I can't do that to him. I can't sit here and choose things that actively hurt myself, that hurt him, that hurt my husband and all of our futures together.

So, I am doing better.

As part of a program through work, I received a Fitbit bracelet and started Weight Watchers a few months ago. I am increasingly active, which has never been much of a challenge for me - I love moving, I have always loved the feel of exercise, both during and after. And I'm down 21 pounds so far, which is something I'm proud of - even with my dad's death, I have managed to stay focused on my long-term goals.

I've been working with a dietitian also, and we have a check-in later this week. She had some terrific advice for me when we last spoke, which was when I was out-of-state at Christmas time, preparing myself and my family for saying goodbye to my dad just a few days later. She said, there's no wagon to fall off of - right now you're in a good groove but there are always going to be roads with cracks in them. Right now, your situation calls for your life to be flexible - so don't think about what you're eating, but why. Food is values and culture and comfort and all of these things. It helped me to be away from home for three weeks and make balanced choices, and to transition into life again back home with some ease.

To try and stay excited about things, as well as to tie in to some of my other interests, I want to try some of the vintage/retro WW and other weight loss plan recipes of the past. I find them oddly fascinating - not to mention, they remind me so much of my dad, who always liked to reminisce about doing the program with his mother back in the 70s - she lost enough weight to fit back into her wedding dress, and somewhere there's a photo of her in it, in the front yard, surrounded by all nine of her children.

So, here it goes.